In the last chapter, we took an unflinching look at the "piranha pool"—the toxic dynamics that can turn support communities into war zones. But a diagnosis is useless without a treatment plan. This chapter is the treatment plan.
Part 6 is a direct, actionable guide for targeted parents who are ready to do the hardest work of all: turning the focus away from the enemy and onto themselves. Here, we will lay out the four pillars of a true "safe harbor"—the real, practical work required to become the stoic, safe, and unconditionally loving parent your child deserves to come home to.
Finding:
To counteract the toxic dynamics of a "piranha pool," a targeted parent must consciously build a "safe harbor" for their child. This is achieved not by fighting an external war, but by doing the internal work of healing. This involves adopting four key pillars: being a stoic and accountable parent, lifting the emotional weight from the child, mastering guilt-free communication, and managing realistic expectations for a new relationship.
Analysis:
After navigating the treacherous waters of the piranha pool, one question remains: how do we drain it? The answer begins with a fundamental truth every targeted parent must hold onto: your child still loves you. They are not gone; they are a hostage playing a role that requires loyalty for their psychological survival. Understanding this is the first step. The next is to ensure that when they are ready to escape, they have a true safe harbor to come home to—not another war zone.
This is not a guide on how to win a war. This is a guide on how to become a medic. It is a philosophy of parenting a traumatized child, built on four pillars of strength, accountability, and unconditional love.
Pillar #1: Be the Stoic Parent (The Unflinching Safe Harbor)
A stoic parent is patient and strong. They never, ever bash the other parent in front of the child. They take accountability for their own role in the past, framing it as, "we were both so young and stupid." They process their own immense anger and grief privately, away from the child. A teenager, already navigating a world of social and hormonal chaos, desperately needs an anchor of calm, not another source of drama. What the child receives is unconditional love, a space free of agendas.
Pillar #2: Lift the Weight (Take Back the Responsibility)
A child who has been a hostage has been forced to carry the emotional weight of their abuser for years. They absolutely cannot be asked to then carry the targeted parent's pain as well. The parent's primary job is to take the weight off their child. This means doing the hard, personal work of healing your own trauma so you don't inadvertently ask your child to manage it for you (Herman, 2015, p. 133). For a teen trying to form their own identity, this is crucial. A parent’s healing gives their child the permission and freedom to finally be a kid.
Pillar #3: Communicate Without Guilt (Master the Language of Safety)
The language of a safe harbor is a gift, not a demand. You must remove all guilt-triggering phrases from your vocabulary, as a child or teen’s developing brain cannot regulate an adult's complex emotions.
Don't say: "I miss you so much," or "Today was amazing, but it would have been perfect if you were here." (This is a burden.)
Do say: "I saw a puppy today that reminded me of you, and it made me smile. Just wanted to share." (This is a gift, with no expectation of return.) Your communication should be a warm, inviting light, not a bill to be paid.
Pillar #4: Manage Expectations (Respect Their Reality)
A targeted parent must accept a difficult truth: the old relationship is gone, and you are not getting your "little child" back. If your child is an adult, you are meeting a stranger who doesn't know how to be your son or daughter. If they are a teen, you are meeting a person struggling with their own identity while still living within the belief system they were raised in. The connection must be rebuilt from zero, with immense patience. This fragile new bridge cannot withstand the weight of a parent's unresolved anger. The parent who makes snide comments at a graduation or gets angry about not being invited to a wedding is actively proving they are still not a safe space, and they will sabotage any chance of a real relationship.
Exhibit A:
As a child who was a hostage, I didn't need another general demanding my allegiance. I needed a medic. I needed a place of quiet, unconditional acceptance where I could begin to process the trauma without being forced to choose a side in a war I never started. A safe harbor has no agenda other than the well-being of the person seeking refuge.
Conclusion:
Building a safe harbor is the hardest work a targeted parent will ever do, because it requires them to turn the focus away from the enemy and onto themselves. It is a slow and delicate process, like mending a priceless tapestry one thread at a time. But it is the only work that matters. And even with a perfect safe harbor, the family is often fighting a battle against a system that enables the abuse.
In our next part, we will turn our investigation toward those institutions: The System as Co-Conspirator.
References
Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
About the Author
Dawn McCarty is a #1 international best-selling author and award-winning cybersecurity expert who applies the rigorous principles of threat detection and risk management to the complex landscape of childhood trauma. An abduction survivor turned global advocate, her work in promoting systemic reform earned her the Catalyst for Change Award for advancing SDG #10 – Reduced Inequalities.
Dawn’s personal story—marked by abduction, grooming, and the weaponization of the Mormon religion within a dynamic of pathogenic or cult-like parenting, is the driving force behind her life's work. This lived experience, combined with over 25 years in cybersecurity and a background in cyberpsychology, gives her a rare, 360-degree understanding of both technological and human threats. She uniquely compares the breach of a child's safety to a critical security breach in a system, providing innovative strategies for threat detection, risk mitigation, and building resilience.
This synthesis of survivor insight and expert analysis is the foundation of her upcoming Unsealed Trilogy. The series begins with her gripping memoir, Sealed to My Abductor; continues with the analytical framework, Doctrine of One: The Cult of Two; and culminates in the groundbreaking clinical dissection, Anatomy of a Mind-F*ck. She is also the creator of the Digital Defense series, which equips families against cyber and AI-related threats.
Her multidisciplinary expertise is grounded in extensive academic training, with degrees in Criminal Justice (B.S. in Psychology of Victimology, M.S. in Crime Scene and Evidence Management), B.S. in Computer Science, and an MBA in Cybersecurity. As the founder of the Thrivers Speak® and Securing Everything, and co-founder of the Nothing About Us, Without Us (NAUWOU™) conference, Dawn leads the charge to protect children from online predators and toxic family dynamics, particularly those involving severe Child Psychological Abuse (CPA) linked to undue influence, child predators, pathogenic parenting, alienation, and abduction.
Through her writing, speaking, and advocacy, Dawn provides a roadmap for deconstructing trauma and creating safe, informed environments for the next generation.
Read more at the Unsealed Press
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