Are You a Victim of a Loyalty Conflict?
3 Signs the "Safer" Parent Was Also Unsafe
Did you grow up feeling like there was a war inside your head? A constant battle fought between two people you were supposed to love?
On one side, there was the parent you lived with—the one who maybe felt "safer," calmer, or more reasonable. On the other hand, there was the parent you lost, the one you were told was dangerous, broken, or didn't love you.
The most confusing part of this war was the guilt. Any time you felt a moment of peace or even happiness with that "safer" parent, a sickening wave of shame would wash over you. You felt like a traitor. Like you were betraying the parent you weren't allowed to see.
If this experience feels painfully familiar, I need you to know two things: you are not alone, and you were not crazy. That internal war was not your fault. It was a manufactured psychological trap called a Loyalty Conflict, and it is a key tactic of abusive family systems.
But how can you know for sure? Here are three signs that the "safer" parent was also an unsafe accomplice in your abuse.
1. You Felt "Relatively Safe" With Them
In a chaotic or abusive home, the brain will desperately seek out the least threatening person in the room. This person becomes a "safer" harbor—not because they are truly safe, but because they are less overtly dangerous than the primary abuser.
Think of it like this: you're trapped in a burning building. One room is engulfed in flames, while another is just filled with thick smoke. You will naturally run to the smoke-filled room. It feels "safer" than the flames, and you might even feel grateful for the temporary reprieve. But you are still trapped in a burning building.
This "safer" parent’s relative calm or occasional kindness creates a powerful trauma bond. You cling to them for survival, which makes it incredibly difficult to see their complicity in the larger system of abuse.
2. Feeling Good With Them Made You Feel Guilty
This is the core of the Loyalty Conflict. The abusive system created an unwritten rule: to be loved and accepted by the parent you live with, you must reject the parent you lost.
Because of this, your natural feelings were weaponized against you. Any positive emotion you felt toward the "safer" parent—a moment of connection, a shared laugh—was automatically framed in your mind as a profound betrayal of your other parent.
This guilt was not yours. It was installed. It was a psychological tripwire planted in your mind to ensure you stayed aligned with the controlling parent's narrative. You were trapped in a no-win situation where you were punished for your love and shamed for your loyalty, no matter which direction it was pointed.
3. They Never Defended You or Challenged the System
This is the final, brutal reality check. While the accomplice may have seemed "nicer," their silence and inaction made them complicit. Their ultimate loyalty was to the abusive system, not to your well-being.
Ask yourself the hard questions: Did they ever truly stand up for you? Did they directly challenge the primary abuser's lies or rage? Or did their quiet presence simply maintain the status quo?
A truly safe adult would have protected you. They would have risked their own comfort to pull you from the fire. The accomplice's role is to keep you in the fire, but make it feel just bearable enough that you don't scream for help. Their inaction was a choice, and it was a choice that prioritized the abuser over you.
Reclaiming Your Truth
If these signs resonate with you, please hear this: your feelings were not contradictory; they were the sane response to an insane situation.
Healing from a Loyalty Conflict begins with giving yourself permission to acknowledge both truths at once: the moments of "safety" you desperately clung to, and the profound betrayal of their complicity. Your story is valid, and finally understanding the trap you were in is the first step toward dismantling it.
This dynamic is just one tactic of a much larger system of coercive control. To learn more about how to identify and break free from these patterns, sign up for my newsletter. You'll be the first to know when my new talk, "Undoing the Cult of One," is released.
About the Author
Dawn McCarty is a #1 international best-selling author, and an award-winning cybersecurity expert. As an abduction survivor turned global advocate, she applies the rigorous principles of risk management to the complex landscape of childhood trauma. For her work in promoting systemic reform, she was honored with the Catalyst for Change Award for her contribution to SDG #10 – Reduced Inequalities.
Dawn’s personal story—marked by abduction, grooming, and the weaponization of the Mormon religion within what she terms a "cult-like parenting," is the driving force behind her life's work. This lived experience, combined with over 25 years in cybersecurity and a background in Cyberpsychology, gives her a rare, 360-degree understanding of both technological and human threats. She uniquely compares the breach of a child's safety to a critical security breach in a system, providing innovative strategies for threat detection, risk mitigation, and building resilience.
This synthesis of survivor insight and expert analysis is the foundation of her upcoming Unsealed Trilogy. The series begins with her gripping memoir, Sealed to My Abductor; continues with the analytical framework, Doctrine of One: The Cult of Two; and culminates in the groundbreaking clinical dissection, Anatomy of a Mind-Fuck. She is also the creator of the Digital Defense series, which equips families against cyber and AI-related threats.
Her academic credentials include degrees in Criminal Justice (B.S. in Psychology of Victimology, M.S. in Crime Scene and Evidence Management), Computer Science, and an MBA in Cybersecurity.
As the founder of the Safe At Home Foundation and Securing Everything, Dawn leads the charge to protect children from online predators and toxic family dynamics—particularly those involving severe Child Psychological Abuse (CPA) linked to undue influence, pathogenic parenting, alienation, and abduction. Through her writing, speaking, and advocacy, Dawn provides a roadmap for deconstructing trauma and creating safe, informed environments for the next generation.